Facets of compassion
One of the trainings I think about on a regular basis was Gabor Mate teaching his course, compassionate inquiry. He put language and legs to this thing that I had felt ever since I was trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Dialectical behavioral therapy or DBT is about walking the middle path. If we acknowledge that many of our reactions to stress and trauma create extreme or polarizing responses, then learning how to regulate that and moderate our reactions, we can find much less distress and disturbance in our lives.
When I attended this DBT training, I thought you could not go wrong with accommodation. That bending until you broke was of value and important for me to continue to do as a therapist. DBT introduced and reinforced (as only behavioral training can do) that if we endlessly accommodate our clients, we are not doing them the favor we think we are. We in fact, handicap them for what they will encounter and have to navigate in the world. It is so tempting to engage in endless help, support and encouragement. Because that feels good, and more than likely, we get good responses to this behavior. It’s like a delicious macaroon.
DBT challenged me to look at that behavior and acknowledge who it served more. Does accommodation really help the people we want to help to develop new skills and to be able to live a full and functional life? Or does it placate our own discomfort with addressing a symptom or situation that we are afraid will not go over well?
Gabor has this clear, beautiful message on his intention statement on the compassionate inquiry website:
“So that individuals can connect to the truth within themselves in the present moment, become free from self-generated suffering, and gain insight, clarity and choice in their behaviour.”
If I could claim a mission in therapy, that would be it. And how is that not compassion at it’s truest form? Compassion doesn’t have to be sugary and delicate, it can be nourishing and steaming hot like healing broth. Perhaps it is even more valuable because it is difficult to practice and rare.
